I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
