i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
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