Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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