the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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