Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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