I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
