I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
