At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
