FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I want to fling myself into the sun
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
