So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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