who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
