I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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