I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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