GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
