It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
