My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
