she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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