You're my little dorito
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize