he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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