Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It was confusing and full of hummus
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
