Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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