Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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