hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
