Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize