Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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