at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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