when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You're a waste of cheezeits
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
