Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
