i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Vodka?
Forever.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
