I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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