i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
