New invention idea: vibrating tampons
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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