it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
