Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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