Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
