Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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