I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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