Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize