Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize