I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
