i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
