she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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