do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
