...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
false alarm. still invincible.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
