You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize