I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
