sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
