she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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