If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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