i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
