Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
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