so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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