No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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