I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
