Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
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