So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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