I think I died a long time ago.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
