I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
