if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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