sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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