DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
