so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
