oh god the rape fog is back!
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
